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Tuesday, 28 February 2012

When LOVE sees you

Blessed are you as you weep on your knees
With perfume and tears washing over My feet
And blessed are you, beggar, hopeless and blind
Calling for mercy when I'm passing by

Blessed are you, shaking your head
At two tiny fish and some bread
And blessed are you as you tremble and wait
For the first stone thrown at your sinful disgrace

Tell Me your story, show Me your wounds
And I'll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you
Hand Me the pieces, broken and bruised
And I'll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

Blessed are you, walking on waves
To find yourself sinking when you look away
Blessed are you, leper, standing alone
The fear on their faces is all that you've known

Blessed are you, lonely widow who gave
Your last shiny coin to Yahweh
Blessed are you with your silver and lies
Kissing the One who's saving your life

Tell Me your story, show Me your wounds
And I'll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you
Hand Me the pieces, broken and bruised
And I'll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

I see what I made in your mother's womb
And I see the day I fell in love with you
I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance
I see My Father's fingerprints

I see your story, I see My name
Written on every beautiful page
You see the struggle, you see the shame
I see the reason I came

I came for your story, I came for your wounds
To show you what Love sees when I see you

~Mac Powell

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Crazy in love

Father I love you with my whole heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit.

I want to spend the rest of my life with You.

I love You
I love You
I love You
I love You

I honestly do!

Don't worry be happy!

Some hearts are diamonds

Open your heart to all of the years
that you've looked through a rainbow of tears.
You watched your dreams all fadin' away
This time you need to hold on tight.

Years may come and years may go
But I still love you and I want you to know:
Some days your heart’s like diamonds
some days like stones
Some days you're tired of being alone.
Some hearts are diamonds
some hearts are stone
But it takes only you to know

Illusions of love
they'll come and they'll go
Trust in your heart
surely your love will grow.

Your silent tears they're so full of pride
My beloved, I know that you can't run
You need a love like Mine
to heal and restore

the scars you tried to repair
Some hearts are diamonds
some hearts are stone

I reign on the Throne
you are never alone!

Monday, 13 February 2012

Second chances

"But unless you repent, you too will all perish."
~ Luke 13:3b (NIV) 

 Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
~ Acts 2:38  (NIV)

The word cannot be clearer than this; repent of your sinful ways, do not harden your hearts against the calling of Jesus. 

Every decision not being made is also a decision.

Friday, 10 February 2012

My Resolution

My personal Resolution

I solemnly undertake before God that I will diligently pursue to be the women and daughter God created me to be.
I will be true and faithful to my husband and will honor the covenant God established between us.
I will lay down my life for him and will submit to his authority.
I will take full responsibility for myself and my children.
I will love them and teach them to love God with all their hearts.
I will train them to honor authority and live responsibly.
I will work diligently to live out my calling; to teach other women to live a holy life, to be homemakers and be women of virtue.
I will pray for others, treat them with kindness, respect and compassion.
I will pray for the sick, confront the evil and pursue justice.
I will forgive those who trespassed against me, and reconcile with those I have wronged.
I will pursue every opportunity to spread the Good News and announce the coming of the King.
I will repent of my sinful ways, seek for fogiveness and walk with integrity as a women answerable to God.
I will seek God’s forgiveness and mercy all the days of my life.
I will seek to honor God and live a Godly life that brings Glory to His Name.

signed: 10 February 2012
by Suzette van Eck
In the presence of my Almighty God

I danced with his addiction

A true story of how a women survived her husband's adultery and pornography addiction and how it affected her.

The first time I laid my eyes on him, I was amazed by the strong tugging in my heart. I instantly denied the feeling, the longing, the want… the time was not right. Not yet.

We ran into each other again, after a couple of weeks since we first met, and I knew I cannot resist the feeling of wanting to be with him any longer. I wanted him. He made me feel like a women again… For many years I was dead. Merely existing.. Surviving.. I wanted to love again. I wanted to be loved so badly that ‘it’, this intense desire that was burning my flesh, burst forth like a volcano. And it made me desperate.
We both gave in to the desires of our hearts, rampantly going astray… not a care in the world; as long as we had each other. Just as long as we were together.

I was in a hazy bliss.

A year or so went by; when I first heard the repellent news… my beloved husband visited a whorehouse. [again and again]

I was devastated. Can this word really describes the pain, the shock, the confusion, the distraught I felt? How can I even try to convey the pain? Is there a word that can summarise my shattered dreams? The betrayal of my gorgeous prince?

How do I deal with this?
I confronted him. He denied it. I chose to believe him. I had to feel safe again!

We did what every married couple do, I suppose. We continued living our life as if nothing happened, ignoring the signs of stress and the shattered trust there once was.

Even though I chose to believe him, something inside me was crippled. Our marriage was not the same because deep down inside I knew he lied.

I so desperately held on to my dream, our dream… the one we dreamed when we were in each other’s arms, laughing and lovingly loving each other.

I then learned that he visited whorehouses more often than I thought… Can you feel hurt over old hurt that was the same hurt? Is it at all possible? Can one handle that kind of anguish? Did God design our organs to withstand such immense pain? How do you hold on to what feels like if your gut is gushing out of every opening in your body?

What was wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Was I not pretty enough?
Was I not good enough?
Was I not funny enough?
Was my breast to small?
Did it sag too much after the years?
Was I boring in bed?
Was he bored?
I didn’t know.

I was scared. Scared to give up on us. Scared that I have lost him. Scared that I will be alone with me, the children.

I did not know how to patch things up. I just didn’t. I wasn’t prepared for this. I did not know how to deal with ‘this’.

Our marriage was falling apart.
We drifted apart… two broken people…trying to make one whole.
I was often left alone by my husband who often went on a drinking spree’s with his friends and colleagues… and women with whom he had affairs... flings... My husband eventually became violent and hostile towards me.

What I did not know then, is that these spirit of addiction, violence and murder works closely together.

At first he would hit me when he was drunk. He was extremely aggressive and at times it was though as he was ‘looking for a reason’ to be violent towards me.

I struggled and fought back. I was not going to let a man… my once charming husband – humiliate me. But the more I fought back, the worse everything became.

I became an appalling wife. I have hurt him just as much, if not more. I did not honour God's word by submitting to his authority in our home.... I did not know God's word, I felt that he did not deserve my respect. I belittled him, spoke badly of him. I went against him and tried to challenge him on everything. Shouting, cursing, scaring our once sacred marriage with sickening words. I've began to go out with my friends, to ‘get back at him’. Try not to care. But I did care.

If only I could leave him. Why did I not pack up my things and go? Was I that desperate? I hated myself for being so pathetic? Good heavens! How can one be so pitiful?

Shameful, worthless, inferior, despicable… are sound words I described myself for not standing up for myself, for not leaving him.

Was it love that kept me by his side?
Did I still love him at all?
I can honestly say I don’t know. I have rummaged every area of my heart to find the truth.
Was I that financially depended on him that I could not leave?
No, I would have managed on my own.
Why, why oh why did I then stay?
I wanted to leave! So many times!

Then finally, it was in the early days of a new year, that the news came again... he was yet with another prostitute.

The very first time in all those years of his betrayal have I finally had the courage to take a firm stand against my husband. Finally I have proof! I was like a fuming lioness. Not only was I hungry for revenge, I wanted revenge and I was very ready for it. I was like an athlete who trained for months to win a race. I was focused. My mind made up. Every muscle in my body was set for action.

As I woke up the following morning, the day after my 'big discovery', my body just gave in under the years of betrayal and rejection. I broke down. For the first time in my life, I have allowed my body, my heart, to weap, to deal with the betrayal. I wept for hours, days.

Where did all the tears came from? I never knew that one’s body has the capacity to cry for hours on end, without drying up.

I decided I needed to cry. I needed to rid of all the poison and hatred that I allowed to build up inside of me, all these years. The more I cried the weaker I became. I felt like an old floor cloth. Wasted and ruined.

I have always considered myself to be strong. I can deal with any situation. Have, as a matter of fact dealt with so many heart aches, from my early childhood days, and I came through every single one of them.
Why was this time so different?

I thought about suicide. The mere thought of it scared me… I was always the one who spoke out against ‘weak’ people. Who selfishly committed suicide. How little did I know? How easy it is to speak about something you know so little off?

My spirit was crushed.

The only thing I instantly knew, that I needed to do, was to give my life to Jesus. Something inside my head and my heart told me that He was the only way out. The only solution to my brokenness...

My God, My God. My God… I called! He heard me. This Sovereign God, whom I have only heard off, heard me. He heard a wretch like me! I needed Him. I needed a Saviour so badly that I would do anything, anything to rid of this immense pain.

I had yet to learn how to become a women of God before I could become a submissive wife.
I had to learn first how to bow down before God in order to withstand the pressures and desires to bow down to the pleasures of the world.
I had to learn to be a women of virtue. To keep my mouth shut and not to react every time something happens or when things didn’t go my way.
I had to learn to be patient; patient with my husband’s faults, failures and bad habits; because I had just as many.
I had to crucify my independent spirit and allowed God to teach me how to be dependent on Him.
I learned the importance of capturing my thoughts…
I asked God to give me a desire to study and love His word. God showed me the importance of reading His word. Through His word I got to know Him.
I asked God to help me to want to be obedient to Him.
The desire to be obedient filled my heart and I willingly surrendered.
I asked God to show me how to love my husband…
He showed me the cross.
He taught me to love myself.
I learned to love Him.
I had to learn how to pray. Something I was never taught. Never practised. Never did.
I learned to wait in the river…
God always showed up.

God changed my heart in a matter of days. I decided against the divorce I have planned… A split both my husband and I welcomed at that stage. I've asked my husband to forgive me, for all the damage I have done, the part I have played in this mess. I also told him that I have surrendered my heart to Jesus. He was quite surprised.

We both chose to give our marriage another chance, a fresh start. I wish I could say the journey from there on was easy. It wasn’t.

We were two broken people. Each of us had to heal from the pain of the past;
Our feelings of insignificance
Low self esteem
Lack of confidence

We both tried very hard. Amidst of the pain and brokenness, we both wanted this to work.

I became in a certain sense very withdrawn from him, mostly during our intimate moments. The thought of him being with other women and prostitutes kept me awake at nights… many nights. I could not bear the thought of him loving another women, let alone a whore. I was uncertain of how he would want me to ‘behave’ in bed. I became shy, very self-conscience. How did he had sex with her, the prostitute, a professional? What did he fantasise about that I was not willing to give or perform, that he paid someone else for it? Does he want me to lay romantically still? Did he want me to be flexible like a gymnast? Does he want me to be rough and rude, or did he fantasise about me swinging from chandeliers?

I wanted to know why? I had to know. For the sake of myself I needed to know. What type of ‘look’ did he prefer? Did he prefer blonds with a double D breast size? A brunette with a firm buttocks or older women with more experience and little inhibitions. Or did he prefer them young?

I did a lot of praying. A lot of soul-searching... What could I have done, to prevent ‘this’. What did I do, to make him go ‘there’? Did I put too much pressure on him? Did I wanted to much from him and our marriage? Or did my independence drove him away? Throughout all this time, I prayed for God to heal my soul, my heart, my self-confidence, my pride. To lift this cloth of rejection that covered me. I prayed and begged God to restore my love for him. I have asked God to give me a renewed trust in him. Something so big, a marriage could not survive without.

I can honestly say, I have seen God performing many-many miracles in our marriage. He restored not just only my trust and love for my husband, but He gave me a ‘new love’ for him. God restored me. He healed my brokenness.  And He did the same for my husband.

God taught me a very important thing, a phrase so significant, it kept me sane: That I must capture my thoughts… and not fix my mind on painful events of the past…

Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus …

As the time went by, I have had yet to learn of his addiction. I was quite naïve by thinking that he only had a few encounters with prostitutes. I was not aware of him visiting strip clubs… and that he was addicted to pornography.

Only after a couple of years, we talked about this. I needed closure, so he allowed me to ask him all the questions that kept burning in my heart.

I realised as he revealed his innermost struggle with pornography, God truly healed me. I felt no pain as he disclosed it. I only felt an immense empathy towards him.

Even today I must still capture my thoughts as the enemy constantly beget negative thoughts that used to devastate me. I have decided that I will trust and believe him. No matter what! Am I yet being naïve? No, I trust God with my husband now.

I silently vowed that I would pray for him; to be free from all of this.

He still struggles with luring websites, to live a separate and holy life. The road to complete recovery is often long, lonely, a difficult journey for him.

Jesus wants us to be set free from our infirmities. Luke 13:12. He also said that we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free. John 8:32

I will continue to pray for him. He is my husband, after all... The one I chose. I promised him that I would stand by him, through thick and thin…

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Restoration Village

~ a dream

Gone Fishing

I'm born-again!

We recently went to another church in our neighborhood, and as it is, walking into a new church takes you right our of your comfort zone...
The chairs are not as comfortable.
The people are not necessarily as friendly.
No familiar faces.
And when it comes to the worship... it is just as uncomfortable - you know your songs, you know the sound of the music, you are familiar with the band - and now all of a sudden everything is just... well different...

Until they sang this song -

All things have passed away
I'm a brand new man
I'm a new creation
I'm born-again!

... I felt right at home!

And I made a statement in the spiritual realm; to the heavenlies and to all who has ears.... I AM A NEW CREATION. I am born-again.

I want to live a life that honors Him

Father, create in me a steadfast spirit - one that will always honor and adore You, one that wants to obey every whisper that comes from Your mouth.

Help me to abide in Your teachings. Allow me to quench my thirst from Your Holiness.

Help me to be the daughter after Your own heart.

I love You Father with everything that is within me. May my love for You be pleasing to Your ears.

You are indeed my love, my life and I bless You for who You are in me.

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