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Wednesday, 12 September 2012

a Life-saver

It’s been 11 weeks since I have been in church – maybe it will sound better if I say it’s been 11 weeks since my mom died, and I haven’t had the courage to go to church.
I am neither angry with God, nor disappointed or in some sort of action against God. I just could not get myself to go to church – purely because I was afraid.  Afraid of falling to pieces once I let go
It’s the moment when I surrender during worship to my Saviour. It’s that electrifying connection with God Almighty – and it’s during these moments that I let go of whatever seems to trouble my soul;  the worries, heartaches, the disappointments, the anger, the guilt, the shame … In those intimate moments it’s just me and my God. The One who can saves me from it all…the One who truly understands me and the One who only can edify me, love me tenderly – the way my soul and spirit longs for, the only One who forgives me unconditionally.
Since the day I gave my broken and bruised heart to Jesus I have experienced His healing power during those intimate moments in worship. I know what it feels like when God sovereignly and tenderly touches the aching parts of my heart, caressing and caring my troublesome soul.  I have given myself so many times to Him, eagerly awaiting the flood of His healing mercy to flow over me. I remember incidents where the presence of God overtook me and the pain gushed out of me like river running wild. I am very familiar with that strong current of God’s healing power and the ability It has to wipe my slate clean, to make the worst anguish disappear.  And I know how I respond to the presence of this Sovereign God… I fall to pieces.
For one or other really silly reason I don’t want to look out of control that I too can bleed…
God is truly a gentleman… He gave me a little bit of space…allowing me to grief in my own way --- whilst holding a very firm grip on me. I knew He was there… that He never left – because I never once let go of Him!
Only now am I ready to embrace worship in Church again…willing to surrender and to enjoy the fellowship of His people… I am not as weak as I was 11 weeks ago and if I fall now, it won’t be in pieces but in peace.
I am more than ok now through Christ who strengthens me.
I love You beloved Jesus of mine.

Friday, 7 September 2012

Love has called your Name

“I will never be the same; Love has called my name, from the ashes I rise to proclaim: Your love is undefeated, forever You will reign, Justice has won again.

Love has a voice, Love has a name: Jesus, Jesus.....”
I am at the office, working, whith earphones tightly plugged into my ears, worshiping the most High God.

How did I go from not having time for God, to singing for my King every day?

How did I transform from a broken person with empty hands, to a perfect creation of the All Mighty Living God. I am new, because Love had called my name in April 2009. My story starts many years before that.....

I started smoking and drinking when I was only 12. My parents were divorced that year and it was during that divorce when things got rough with very little adult supervision. I had an older sister and ended up tagging along with her and I started doing these things for acceptance and in a way, I had to participate to ensure I would not tell on the wrong doings.

From as far as I can remember I was fighting for love and acceptance. By the time my parents divorced, anything went just to avoid being rejected further. The 1st time I visited a night club; I was 12 and could not understand why there was only one bathroom. It turned out to be a Gay Club. I went there with my sister and her friend to pick someone up.

During the 1st few years after my parent’s divorce, I stayed with my mom. She ended up in a very physical abusive relationship. I feared for my own and also my mother’s life and at times expected the worst. Home was not a safe place for me and I wanted to avoid it at all cost, especially over weekends.

When I went to High School, I became friends with girls who was also fighting for acceptance and doing all the wrong things to get it. By 13/14 I was smoking 20 cigarettes a day and we would hit the clubs on weekends and also get foolishly drunk. With no means to get home, we would ask any guy to take us home. I have thought many times that the fact that nothing bad ever happened was a miracle on its own.

I was 15 when I met the love of my life. He was from a small town and very reserved and well mannered. He was different. He had a stable family and I visited them every weekend and holiday. Weekends were something to look forward to again. No violence, no drunken adults...peace. Those were good and peaceful times. At the end of my final year at school I fell pregnant and only realised it after I finished school. For some this might be devastating, but for me, it was a dream come true. I could then marry the love of my life. We always said we will get married one day. We just didn’t realise it would be so soon.

Shortly after we got married, a baby boy was added to our little family. Life was good and it also seemed like we played house. We grew up together and learnt allot about married life and parenting at a very young age. A few years later we planned a 2nd addition to the family, and another boy was born. Our family had grown to 4. We were carrying on with our lives. We had parties on weekends, drank too much, and got drunk, had hangovers on Sunday and church was the last thing on our minds.

We were driven by greed, and lived to make more money and to impress others. We fought allot about money. We were living above our income and even as adults we did things just to be accepted by friends or be worried about what people might think. We put the make-up on real good and showed people what they wanted to see. We believed the devils rules on how to measure your worth.

In 2000 we were held up at gunpoint and robbed at my sister’s house. Both my husband and brother in law were shot, but in the end we all survived. This was the year fear took over my life.

When our oldest was 2 years old, we found out that he had an 85% hearing loss. We dealt with it as best we could and got him hearing aids and at age 5 we put him in boarding school in the city. We ended up moving to the city and a month after we moved there, my husband got hi-jacked and shot again. Again we survived and every time I would think: Why is God doing this?

At age 7 our oldest boy started falling allot and was off-balance. We started numerous tests to determine the cause and after many tests we found out that both our boys had a rare genetic disorder. What happens is that their energy cells don’t produce the right amount of energy to let the body function properly. It is a de-generative disease and as they grow older, it affects more of the body functions. Though born ‘normal’ they both have hearing loss, bad eyesight, poor balance and makes use of a wheelchair. Without a walking aid they fall allot and get hurt. Mentally they are also deteriorating and not in a “main stream” class. They attend a class that teaches life skills. Today they are 13 & 17 and really just like toddlers that never fully grown up.

I had always avoided God and did not want to deal with life. In all the things that went on in my life, I thought God is punishing me for not going to church or not living on the straight and narrow. I would always build walls and be in control (or so I thought). I would wear my masks for all to see and do anything to hide the hurt and brokenness. I was very short tempered and frustrated with my circumstances. I would lash out at the kids or my husband. I was a person full of anger and fear.

Parties got rougher; we would be flirty with other people and then fight about it later. We were jealous and insecure. We would watch pornography together, sex became more perverse and I did things willingly in fear of being compared to others or feared being rejected. We were heading on a road to nowhere, a race to nothing.

In April 2009 my husband went on an overnight fishing trip with the kids and I was furious (with fear) to stay home alone. We had a huge fight about all and anything that was wrong. They left anyway and I was home alone and with fear off course. That evening I was bored and I started reading a book about where we go once we die. It would be one of two places. Am I burning for eternity or am going to a place where there is peace, health and happiness. I thought so much about where I was in my own life. I was sick off all the fights, money problems and above all I longed to see our children healthy and able one day.

And on that night, 13 April 2009, Love called my name: I said to Jesus that I am so tired of the life I have and I want a new life. I want things to change because that is not what life should be like. That night I surrendered to God and made Jesus the Lord of my life and I knew, I would never be the same again. For the 1st time in 10 years I fell asleep without being scared.
My husband returned the next day and I was so calm. I did not tell him what happened, but just told him that I place the ball in his hand, and he needed to decide if I am in his future. I said that I was tired of all the fighting and drama and could not go on the way we did. We made peace and the week after that we went on holiday. I still had not told him I gave my heart to Jesus, but he knew something was different.

When we returned from holiday, I eventually spilled the beans and to my delight he told me that he also wanted to change. I started praying for his salvation. A day or two later I found out that my husband had a pornography addiction. The extent of the addiction was a big blow. The devil was pulling out all the stops to de-rail us. I forgave him and told him he needed to change, and I kept praying. On 13 May 2009 whilst working a night shift, the Lord met with him and he gave his life to Jesus. He phoned me at 3 in the morning with the good news, I was so grateful for God’s grace.

We both started our new journey with God, and we soaked Him up like a sponge. For the first time in our lives, we were free. God did a miracle in our lives and we fell in love with each other all over again. The new “us”. God renewed our marriage and made us new. The Lord is our joy every day and He is so good. He blesses us with love, peace, happiness and we live fearless. Today I only fear God. God has healed two broken people and changed us forever. The things I thought I would “have to give up” in the past, did not matter anymore, because God is “our enough”.

God taught me that He created every person equally. It does not matter what colour you are or where you live or how many degrees you have. I am not better just because I stay in a fancy house or drive a nice car.

God does not say: OOPS and you are not a mistake. God taught me that we need to be grateful for what we have. Don’t miss what He gives you today, just because you envy what others have. Everything you have, God gave you, so don’t boast about it.

Fill yourself up with God and not with the things of this world, if you do that, you will never be satisfied.

It is important to forgive other people, because God forgives us the same way as we forgive our trespassers. Forgiveness heals.

God has done so many miracles in our lives. He has blessed us with our children and He showers us with love.

Earlier this year we wanted to install a swimming pool and when we thought we could get a discounted price, God took Himself out of the box that we put Him in, and He gave us a swimming pool for free! Glory to God.

The best thing is that He is in control and we need not to worry. We should not place God’s abilities in a box, because he does not have limits.

Today we are on the narrow road and still face heart ship sometimes, but this time our God, creator of the heavens and earth walks in front of us and He comforts us. Our boys are such a blessing and joy and I would not have it any other way.

We are free.................Death where is your sting?
I look forward to the day I meet Jesus face to face at the start of my eternal life.
I love you Jesus and thank you that you died for me on the cross.

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