It’s been 11 weeks since I have been in church – maybe it will sound better if I say it’s been 11 weeks since my mom died, and I haven’t had the courage to go to church.
I am neither angry with God, nor disappointed or in some sort of action against God. I just could not get myself to go to church – purely because I was afraid. Afraid of falling to pieces once I let go…
It’s the moment when I surrender during worship to my Saviour. It’s that electrifying connection with God Almighty – and it’s during these moments that I let go of whatever seems to trouble my soul; the worries, heartaches, the disappointments, the anger, the guilt, the shame … In those intimate moments it’s just me and my God. The One who can saves me from it all…the One who truly understands me and the One who only can edify me, love me tenderly – the way my soul and spirit longs for, the only One who forgives me unconditionally.
Since the day I gave my broken and bruised heart to Jesus I have experienced His healing power during those intimate moments in worship. I know what it feels like when God sovereignly and tenderly touches the aching parts of my heart, caressing and caring my troublesome soul. I have given myself so many times to Him, eagerly awaiting the flood of His healing mercy to flow over me. I remember incidents where the presence of God overtook me and the pain gushed out of me like river running wild. I am very familiar with that strong current of God’s healing power and the ability It has to wipe my slate clean, to make the worst anguish disappear. And I know how I respond to the presence of this Sovereign God… I fall to pieces.
For one or other really silly reason I don’t want to look out of control that I too can bleed…
God is truly a gentleman… He gave me a little bit of space…allowing me to grief in my own way --- whilst holding a very firm grip on me. I knew He was there… that He never left – because I never once let go of Him!
Only now am I ready to embrace worship in Church again…willing to surrender and to enjoy the fellowship of His people… I am not as weak as I was 11 weeks ago and if I fall now, it won’t be in pieces but in peace.
I am more than ok now through Christ who strengthens me.