Before I became a reborn Christian I use to watch pornography every now and then with my husband. I used to say there is no harm, but the fact was: I was not OK with it. Whenever we were intimate I always wondered if my husband fantasised about the women we saw in the movies. I always felt self-conscious because I was not able to do what the people in the movies could and I definitely did not look as good as the 20 year old in the movie who had never had children.
Intercourse was not intimate at all, but more of a race to try and live out something I saw in a movie. I did a lot of things just to please my husband. I didn't want to be boring in bed. I did some disgusting stuff in an effort to keep things interesting.
Later on in my marriage Jesus saved me from my sins and I devoted my life to Jesus. Shortly after that I found out that this was not the only extent of my husband’s pornography viewing. It was also books and websites that he viewed continuously. I found that anything with a dress was a potential fantasy, him wondering what is beneath it all, not able to keep his eyes off women. I felt so hurt, lied to, angry, ashamed, shocked, insecure, and heartbroken... the list goes on.
Let me tell you, your wife might say she is ok with watching pornography with you, but deep inside, she is not. You are hurting her, she feels that she will never be good enough to satisfy you. She is doing things that are against her will and morals. The perverse sex disgusts her, she cannot do the same things the people in the movies do, it is physically impossible.
This is something you should know... Your wife cannot fully respect you as she feels that you have no respect for her. She is afraid of denying because she is afraid you will reject her.
If you are not certain if it is wrong to watch pornography, masturbate, have perverse sex, feel free to 1st ask God’s blessing before you do it and see if you feel OK with it? I guess not.
My husband will never fully understand the impact his addiction had on me. With God’s grace I have forgiven him. Some scars take longer to heal, but Jesus is the only true Healer.
I beg of you to call on Jesus to heal you of your addictions, He is so faithful. He will restore your marriage and intimate relationship with your wife.
Therefore the Lord will wait [silence, linger] that He may be gracious to you; And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy [compassion, forgiveness, kindness, sympathy, understanding, bigheartedness] on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; Blessed are all those who wait [long, desire] for Him.
Do You hear the music in the distance? Lord it is so all-around us, so real, so part of me and You that I cannot help but to fulfill the desire in my heart to just dance with You, again and again!
O my Lord, do You remember our first dance? The memories of that day is forever imprinted in my soul – a beautiful everlasting moment we had… You and I. You pulled me up from where I laid on the floor, buried in my grief. You knew that my crushed spirit needed You so desperately right then. I could hardly breathe... Jesus I will never ever forget the love and tenderness I have experienced in Your arms that day.
I was so overwhelmed by the immensity of Your love for me. I knew then that You would move mountains to protect me!
Together we waltz, following the rhythm of our hearts, the beating of Your healing mercy. I broke down at every turn we took, but You kept on dancing, kept on turning, knowing how much I needed to rid of the hurt that drenched my soul. You held me steady. You held me together. Lord, You never deserted me that day! You kept me close. Safe. I breathed Your Healing...
Looking back on the past 7 years… we have danced a bit, haven’t we Jesus?
I love dancing with You. I was born to dance with You my Lord. To be in Your immediate presence soothes my soul.
Whenever I needed comfort or protection, we danced! When I wanted You to love me; we danced! When I just wanted to love You, we danced! Oh Lord, we have had so much fun together.
Do You remember the day when You surprised me - in the middle of the traffic – You took me to the dance floor and we showed off our gum-boot moves! Oh Lord, we've laughed so much that day! You have this mind-blowing ability to just make my day!.
Thank you, Abba Father for being so nice to me. More than nice.
Lord, I love it when You romance me. Please Lord don’t ever stop doing it. You fill my heart with such joy and laughter I cannot get enough of it.
I want it. I need it so much. It makes me fall in love with You more and more and more. Is it possible? To fall deeper and deeper in-love with Someone that already holds your heart captive? I think so … because each time I look into Your eyes… I love You more and more. And more. And more.