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Friday, 10 February 2012

I danced with his addiction

A true story of how a women survived her husband's adultery and pornography addiction and how it affected her.

The first time I laid my eyes on him, I was amazed by the strong tugging in my heart. I instantly denied the feeling, the longing, the want… the time was not right. Not yet.

We ran into each other again, after a couple of weeks since we first met, and I knew I cannot resist the feeling of wanting to be with him any longer. I wanted him. He made me feel like a women again… For many years I was dead. Merely existing.. Surviving.. I wanted to love again. I wanted to be loved so badly that ‘it’, this intense desire that was burning my flesh, burst forth like a volcano. And it made me desperate.
We both gave in to the desires of our hearts, rampantly going astray… not a care in the world; as long as we had each other. Just as long as we were together.

I was in a hazy bliss.

A year or so went by; when I first heard the repellent news… my beloved husband visited a whorehouse. [again and again]

I was devastated. Can this word really describes the pain, the shock, the confusion, the distraught I felt? How can I even try to convey the pain? Is there a word that can summarise my shattered dreams? The betrayal of my gorgeous prince?

How do I deal with this?
I confronted him. He denied it. I chose to believe him. I had to feel safe again!

We did what every married couple do, I suppose. We continued living our life as if nothing happened, ignoring the signs of stress and the shattered trust there once was.

Even though I chose to believe him, something inside me was crippled. Our marriage was not the same because deep down inside I knew he lied.

I so desperately held on to my dream, our dream… the one we dreamed when we were in each other’s arms, laughing and lovingly loving each other.

I then learned that he visited whorehouses more often than I thought… Can you feel hurt over old hurt that was the same hurt? Is it at all possible? Can one handle that kind of anguish? Did God design our organs to withstand such immense pain? How do you hold on to what feels like if your gut is gushing out of every opening in your body?

What was wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Was I not pretty enough?
Was I not good enough?
Was I not funny enough?
Was my breast to small?
Did it sag too much after the years?
Was I boring in bed?
Was he bored?
I didn’t know.

I was scared. Scared to give up on us. Scared that I have lost him. Scared that I will be alone with me, the children.

I did not know how to patch things up. I just didn’t. I wasn’t prepared for this. I did not know how to deal with ‘this’.

Our marriage was falling apart.
We drifted apart… two broken people…trying to make one whole.
I was often left alone by my husband who often went on a drinking spree’s with his friends and colleagues… and women with whom he had affairs... flings... My husband eventually became violent and hostile towards me.

What I did not know then, is that these spirit of addiction, violence and murder works closely together.

At first he would hit me when he was drunk. He was extremely aggressive and at times it was though as he was ‘looking for a reason’ to be violent towards me.

I struggled and fought back. I was not going to let a man… my once charming husband – humiliate me. But the more I fought back, the worse everything became.

I became an appalling wife. I have hurt him just as much, if not more. I did not honour God's word by submitting to his authority in our home.... I did not know God's word, I felt that he did not deserve my respect. I belittled him, spoke badly of him. I went against him and tried to challenge him on everything. Shouting, cursing, scaring our once sacred marriage with sickening words. I've began to go out with my friends, to ‘get back at him’. Try not to care. But I did care.

If only I could leave him. Why did I not pack up my things and go? Was I that desperate? I hated myself for being so pathetic? Good heavens! How can one be so pitiful?

Shameful, worthless, inferior, despicable… are sound words I described myself for not standing up for myself, for not leaving him.

Was it love that kept me by his side?
Did I still love him at all?
I can honestly say I don’t know. I have rummaged every area of my heart to find the truth.
Was I that financially depended on him that I could not leave?
No, I would have managed on my own.
Why, why oh why did I then stay?
I wanted to leave! So many times!

Then finally, it was in the early days of a new year, that the news came again... he was yet with another prostitute.

The very first time in all those years of his betrayal have I finally had the courage to take a firm stand against my husband. Finally I have proof! I was like a fuming lioness. Not only was I hungry for revenge, I wanted revenge and I was very ready for it. I was like an athlete who trained for months to win a race. I was focused. My mind made up. Every muscle in my body was set for action.

As I woke up the following morning, the day after my 'big discovery', my body just gave in under the years of betrayal and rejection. I broke down. For the first time in my life, I have allowed my body, my heart, to weap, to deal with the betrayal. I wept for hours, days.

Where did all the tears came from? I never knew that one’s body has the capacity to cry for hours on end, without drying up.

I decided I needed to cry. I needed to rid of all the poison and hatred that I allowed to build up inside of me, all these years. The more I cried the weaker I became. I felt like an old floor cloth. Wasted and ruined.

I have always considered myself to be strong. I can deal with any situation. Have, as a matter of fact dealt with so many heart aches, from my early childhood days, and I came through every single one of them.
Why was this time so different?

I thought about suicide. The mere thought of it scared me… I was always the one who spoke out against ‘weak’ people. Who selfishly committed suicide. How little did I know? How easy it is to speak about something you know so little off?

My spirit was crushed.

The only thing I instantly knew, that I needed to do, was to give my life to Jesus. Something inside my head and my heart told me that He was the only way out. The only solution to my brokenness...

My God, My God. My God… I called! He heard me. This Sovereign God, whom I have only heard off, heard me. He heard a wretch like me! I needed Him. I needed a Saviour so badly that I would do anything, anything to rid of this immense pain.

I had yet to learn how to become a women of God before I could become a submissive wife.
I had to learn first how to bow down before God in order to withstand the pressures and desires to bow down to the pleasures of the world.
I had to learn to be a women of virtue. To keep my mouth shut and not to react every time something happens or when things didn’t go my way.
I had to learn to be patient; patient with my husband’s faults, failures and bad habits; because I had just as many.
I had to crucify my independent spirit and allowed God to teach me how to be dependent on Him.
I learned the importance of capturing my thoughts…
I asked God to give me a desire to study and love His word. God showed me the importance of reading His word. Through His word I got to know Him.
I asked God to help me to want to be obedient to Him.
The desire to be obedient filled my heart and I willingly surrendered.
I asked God to show me how to love my husband…
He showed me the cross.
He taught me to love myself.
I learned to love Him.
I had to learn how to pray. Something I was never taught. Never practised. Never did.
I learned to wait in the river…
God always showed up.

God changed my heart in a matter of days. I decided against the divorce I have planned… A split both my husband and I welcomed at that stage. I've asked my husband to forgive me, for all the damage I have done, the part I have played in this mess. I also told him that I have surrendered my heart to Jesus. He was quite surprised.

We both chose to give our marriage another chance, a fresh start. I wish I could say the journey from there on was easy. It wasn’t.

We were two broken people. Each of us had to heal from the pain of the past;
Our feelings of insignificance
Low self esteem
Lack of confidence

We both tried very hard. Amidst of the pain and brokenness, we both wanted this to work.

I became in a certain sense very withdrawn from him, mostly during our intimate moments. The thought of him being with other women and prostitutes kept me awake at nights… many nights. I could not bear the thought of him loving another women, let alone a whore. I was uncertain of how he would want me to ‘behave’ in bed. I became shy, very self-conscience. How did he had sex with her, the prostitute, a professional? What did he fantasise about that I was not willing to give or perform, that he paid someone else for it? Does he want me to lay romantically still? Did he want me to be flexible like a gymnast? Does he want me to be rough and rude, or did he fantasise about me swinging from chandeliers?

I wanted to know why? I had to know. For the sake of myself I needed to know. What type of ‘look’ did he prefer? Did he prefer blonds with a double D breast size? A brunette with a firm buttocks or older women with more experience and little inhibitions. Or did he prefer them young?

I did a lot of praying. A lot of soul-searching... What could I have done, to prevent ‘this’. What did I do, to make him go ‘there’? Did I put too much pressure on him? Did I wanted to much from him and our marriage? Or did my independence drove him away? Throughout all this time, I prayed for God to heal my soul, my heart, my self-confidence, my pride. To lift this cloth of rejection that covered me. I prayed and begged God to restore my love for him. I have asked God to give me a renewed trust in him. Something so big, a marriage could not survive without.

I can honestly say, I have seen God performing many-many miracles in our marriage. He restored not just only my trust and love for my husband, but He gave me a ‘new love’ for him. God restored me. He healed my brokenness.  And He did the same for my husband.

God taught me a very important thing, a phrase so significant, it kept me sane: That I must capture my thoughts… and not fix my mind on painful events of the past…

Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus …

As the time went by, I have had yet to learn of his addiction. I was quite naïve by thinking that he only had a few encounters with prostitutes. I was not aware of him visiting strip clubs… and that he was addicted to pornography.

Only after a couple of years, we talked about this. I needed closure, so he allowed me to ask him all the questions that kept burning in my heart.

I realised as he revealed his innermost struggle with pornography, God truly healed me. I felt no pain as he disclosed it. I only felt an immense empathy towards him.

Even today I must still capture my thoughts as the enemy constantly beget negative thoughts that used to devastate me. I have decided that I will trust and believe him. No matter what! Am I yet being naïve? No, I trust God with my husband now.

I silently vowed that I would pray for him; to be free from all of this.

He still struggles with luring websites, to live a separate and holy life. The road to complete recovery is often long, lonely, a difficult journey for him.

Jesus wants us to be set free from our infirmities. Luke 13:12. He also said that we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free. John 8:32

I will continue to pray for him. He is my husband, after all... The one I chose. I promised him that I would stand by him, through thick and thin…

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