Am I dead yet?

I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

For as long as I can remember I 've always struggled with negative thoughts…. Thoughts of insecurity; that I’m not clever enough, pretty enough, good enough – especially when I hear of someone else’s success or breakthroughs. I would ponder for days on ‘what have I done wrong’ or ‘did not do’ to have the same favour as others have had. Some days I don't even give it a thought and then there are those days.....

 
For the most part I am content with what I have when it comes to material things. It’s just that I’m at a place in my life where I question the direction of my life. Am I at the right place - my ministry, my job, my marriage, my friends, the choices I make ~ I feel weak, fragile, drained, wearied. It’s as if I’m in a desert place and there is just no way out – whatever way I choose to go on  it’s just not where the oasis is. Maybe I walked straight into the desert because of the mystified choices I’ve made or maybe I just drifted towards the desert without recognizing the danger .... I don't know how I got here. Or when.  I just know I am here.

 God, can You hear me? I want more. I want out. What am I missing?

You know me Jesus-----this isn't me. I'm drowning in the quick-sand of life. My visions are blurry and my steps far from steadfast. I'm overwhelmed by all the disappointments and the unanswered prayers. The battle has been hard and fierce. I have failed. I'm terrified and alone - Am I dead?  Please don't take Your Holy Spirit away from me....

Then  I hear A gentle voice in the wind…..

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

~ Isaiah 43 .18-9
 

Dear reader.  I prophecy this scripture over you who are broken hearted, wearied, confused, disappointed….

~ Hosea 2.15 ~ I will give her, her vinyards from there, and the Valley of Anchor as a door of hope; she shall sing there as in the days of her hope, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.