The consequence of divorce
Where do I even try to explain the ripple effect divorce had on my life…and those of my children, and grandchildren?
I remember the day when I told my mom that I wanted to leave my husband. In her calm and collective way only said ‘it was not going to solve anything’. In my young and foolish heart, the only thing I could think of was to get away from my situation. To get out.
And I did just that. Our daughter was 18 months old when I embarked on this journey; my new life.
Within a few months after my divorce, I met a man whom I thought was my soul-mate and after a very short whirl-wind-romance, got married. My whole life revolved around him. I have devoted all of me to him and our marriage. I thought we were so happy and that he was as much in love with me as I was with him. But he had his own struggles.
I remember the first time I heard of his
unfaithfulness. It was so far-fetched in my mind that I chose not to believe
it. It was not happening to me. I was so
in love with him. But it was happening. Again and again until he eventually
left me for another woman, days after the birth of our daughter. Despite it
all, it took me longer than a year to let him go and sadly our marriage only lasted
5 years.
I was so young and naive. At the age of 26, I was a two-time divorcee and clearly not making good choices in life.
I was in such a bad place at the time, embarrassed
and very ashamed of failing again. There was so much wrong going on - I didn't
know how to be unbroken. If only I had known then what I know now.
At the vulnerable age of 28 I met another man who was willing to love me and would care for and my girls.
But the consequences of all my bad decisions have taken their toll and changed the course of our lives. But I did not know any of it at the time.
Had I known I can with absolute certainty say I would not have left my first husband! I would have made it work, searched for better ways to do life. Those issues I thought I had seems so insignificant now.
“Everything in life comes down to the choices you make when you rely on your emotions, your own strength and the foolish council of others...and not those of God”
I wish I had the words to portray the hardships I endured.
How very difficult it was to raise 2 children under another man’s roof – who is
not able to love them as his own, because they are not his own children. Who
expects them to treat him as their father, but often didn't even behaved like a
relative!
I wish you could tell you how many times I cried
myself to sleep at night when I heard them talking about their dads and how they wished
their lives were different.
It was a very difficult time of my life. Difficult is actually not the right word. Heart-breakingly seems to be a more fitting word. My new husband (who was also previously married with a daughter) wanted things his way and expected it to happen. The kids were in the middle and me, I was trying to keep the peace on all sides. There was so many sides – so many families I had to try and fit into my love triangle it just wasn’t possible to avoid conflict. Sometimes it was all there was; conflict.
The reality of a divorce, especially when you have children is you are never free. Never.
You carry this burden with you for the rest of your life. This ‘burden’ is the brokenness you find yourself in, the rejection, the anger, the loss, the guilt, the stigma, the dealing-with-the-other-wives, the endless sacrifices you have to make, your children’s insecurities, their shame, their dreams, the disappointment in their eyes when their father did not remember their birthday or when the stepsister got a better Christmas present… the list of this burden is truly endless.
I remember praying and bombarding heaven so many times - in sheer desperation I needed to know how long my forever was going to be... the weight of my troubles was at times too much to carry.
My first husband re-married and they had two children of their own. My second husband (who also had a son from his previous marriage) remarried and adopted his wife’s daughter from her previous marriage. My third husband also came from a broken family, and also divorced.
The enormous complexity of trying to have a ‘normal
life’ for your daughters when they need to submit to another women's set of
rules, share their father's love and attention with the other children in the
house, whether it's a new baby, adopted child or a step-brother-or-sister was
just overwhelming most of the time.
How does a child get through this. How were they supposed to cope with all of this? Oh Lord, what have I done.
I never, not for one single second even entertained the thought that my daughters would call another woman ‘mom’ and would grow so fond of her that she would even love her back. Choose her side at times and buys special gifts. I have never ever thought it would happen that my daughters would rather choose to spend Christmas with their new families because of their special traditions and happy-get-togethers.
It broke me. Every time, over and over again. The cycle of rejection never seemed to end. In their innocence of trying to accept their new families and competing for their father's love and attention was just heart breaking.
This made me decide that despite the fact that I could not succeed in my marriages, I will do everything in my power to have a successful divorce. My children deserved this much. I would never use my children to manipulate their father(s) to get things done, have things my way or be revengeful for the apologies I never got. I was mature enough to know that this would hurt my children even more, they were the one's suffering the most already.
And in between the years, I finally met
Jesus, just when I was about to give up on my 3rd marriage.
(find my testimony here: I danced with his addiction) (https://www.blogger.com/blog/posts/873893183001929827? q=i%20danced%20with%20is%20addiction.)
Only when I began my journey with Jesus in 2003, have I learned that some of the choices I have made were directly related to some of the decisions my parents made, as well as certain things that have happened to me when I was growing up.
But most of it is on me. No one forced me to leave my husband, or remarry. I made those decisions and it cost me dearly.
One of the many consequences I am living with, is that i don't get to share life with one of my daughters. I only get to witness it from a distance. Her father moved abroad many years ago and after she had left school, decided to take an extended holiday break before she takes on life as an adult.
She never came back home. She met the love of her
life, fell pregnant and stayed.
My whole world came down on me... and I fell apart. When was this cycle of rejection going to end?
They now have two little boys. My grandchildren - that I never get to hold, never get to kiss goodnight, never is there an opportunity for me to babysit or pop-in after work for a quick hug and ice-cream.
“I am robbed of being part of my daughter's life, those of her new family & their adorable little boys. My future was stolen from me and it all seems so unfair - I rasied her, I dried her tears, I was the faithful one, the one who stayed and supported her her whole life. Oh how I have cried”
It seems so unfair. And it surely is. But the fact is, you get to live with the consequences of the choices you have made.
You will reap what you have sown.
I honestly wish life to be different for you.
I pray ;-
that you will make better choices in life than I
did
that you will learn to lay your own life down
that you will choose to find ways to love your
husband unconditionally
that you will always choose to be the peacemaker
that you will be the type of woman that stills the
storm and not the one who stirs it
that you will find a way to hold your family
together no matter how hard it seems
that you will find help to heal of your past, your
wounds and your scars
that you will be quick to forgive and eager to love
all those around you
that you will never hold onto grudges and live in the past, the price is just too high
may you find yourself wrapped up in the arms of Jesus
and may you learn to accept and love yourself
may you find Jesus.
This is for you ~ Father, I ask that you will forgive me of my sins
and my wicked ways. I surrender my life to you Lord and ask that You will take
control of my life that seems to be spinning out of control. I need You Lord,
teach me Your ways so I can be the daughter and person You created me to be.
Help me, to want to be, a good wife, a good mother, a good worker and a good
friend. Keep me from the evil one. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen
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