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Friday, 12 April 2013

Am I dead yet?

For as long as I can remember I 've always struggled with negative thoughts…. Thoughts of insecurity; that I’m not clever enough, pretty enough, good enough – especially when I hear of someone else’s success or breakthroughs. I would ponder for days on ‘what have I done wrong’ or ‘did not do’ to have the same favour as others have had. Somedays I don't even give it a thought and then there are days.....
For the most part I am content with what I have when it comes to material things. It’s just that I’m at a place in my life where I question the direction of my life. Am I at the right place - my ministry, my job, my marriage, my friends, the choices I make ~ I feel weak, fragile, drained, wearied. It’s as if I’m in a desert place and there is just no way out – whatever way I choose to go on  it’s just not where the oasis is. Maybe I walked straight into the desert because of the mystified choices I’ve made or maybe I just drifted towards the desert .... I don't even know how I got here. Or when.  I just know I am here.
God, can You hear me? I want more. I want out. What am I missing? You know me Lord-----this isn't me. I'm drowning in the quick-sand of life. My visions are blurry and my steps far from steadfast. I'm overwhelmed by all the disappointments, the unanswered prayers. The battle has been hard and fierce. I have failed. I'm terrified and alone - Am I dead?
Please don't take Your Holy Spirit away from me....
Wednesday ~In the early morning hours God woke me up to give me hope
Isaiah 43 .18-9 ~ Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
Friday ~ much needed encouragement followed
You are about to have significant breakthroughs in a number of areas in your life and circumstances. But you must believe that I am telling you the truth. You have had to face many challenges that have been not only difficult but daunting. Now you will begin to move out of that WILDERNESS experience.
Hosea 2.15 ~ I will give her, her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Anchor as a door of hope; she shall sing there as in the days of her hope, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.

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