The life of a distant parent

The life we I live in.

Sometimes life deals you a bad hand. Emotionally bad. Your heart aches - literally to the point that you feel you cannot breathe. The pain suffocates you, and leaves you depressed. Anxious. Many sleepless nights and restless thoughts.

I have heard too many times that bad things happens to good people. I think it to be true. But I often wonder if this is not part of the consequences of so many wrong choices I have made. And along with that the tragedy of our fallen government of our once beloved country, the senseless crime and our children, friends and family finding refuge in other countries so expensively far away.

My daughter is one of the statistics; like so many others,who gave up the life she grew up in and exchange it for a seemingly better one. At the tender age of 18 and after finishing school she visited her dad - my ex-husband who uprooted his new family and moved to greener pastures, fell in love with a handsome boy and decided to make the new country her home. To my detriment. Very soon thereafter they started a family and I became the granny of two beautiful babies. 

I never, not for one single second - ever in my whole life, thought that I would never see my grandchildren grow up in front of me. That they will never come over for our famous South African braai's, Sunday lunches of just hang out with us for pizza on a Friday evening or pop in after a busy day to for a quick hello. I don't get to experience that. I don't get to feel those chubby baby arms around me and I don't get to babysit. I miss out on all their baby milestones and sleepovers. I will never have the opportunity to surprise them with a coin in their shoe in exchange for a tooth. I loose out on wet kisses and sticky finger marks all over my clean furniture. 

Instead, I was handed a laptop. I learned how to use Skype and most of the time I spend every dime on data so I can at least see those baby faces on a 3 x 5 cm cellphone screen. And when we do get to connect, it's a constant juggle with the time difference and our different schedules, lost signals and bad connection.

I never thought I would be a skype-nana. How can one ordinary sentence, made up with random words describe the longing in my heart - the pain of not being able to hold them in my arms, playing silly games or reading them bed-time stories?

The loneliness. The missing-out. 

But this is my life - this is the hand I was dealt with and I need to put on a poker face to make this work. Even when it feels as if my life is falling apart because I miss them so much; even in the times, in the dead of the night when i struggle to hold down the tears, not wake my husband when it feels like I am drowning in my tears. They can never know how I count the hours until the next scheduled phone call, or how I juggle my bills to save money for a plane ticket...or the disappointment in my voice when they cut the conversation short for one or other reason or emergency. Or the tears in my eyes when my grandson masters a skill and I am not there to give him a high five.

I am one of many mothers who stood at the airport and waived their daughters - and sons goodbye. I am one of many grandmothers who misses out on being a hands-on granny. 

But this lonely fact doesn't make me feel any better.

I have taken this matter to the Courts of the Heavenly's, wept before the Lord and hold on tight for dear life on the promises that His mercies are new every singe morning. I hold on to the fact that "new baby nerve cells are birthed every single morning" to remove negative and depressed thoughts in exchange for new happier ones. I am in the process of "renewing my mind" so I can rebuild my thought life in order to live a happier and more fulfilled, or rather content life. ....

Our children are not us. They make their own decisions. They follow their husbands to the ends of the earth to make a life for themselves. To find a better future than the one they know for their children. There is nothing wrong with that. It's just that I wasn't ready for this. Nothing prepared me for this.

Instead of moping - which I am very good at and eager to practice all day long, I need to rather constantly focus on the fact that I have technology. At least we have technology! Imagine we hadn't!

Sometimes when I feel like the sorrows are going to overwhelm me, I do cry. Like a lot! But then I put on a brave smile, and like the posts on Facebook of so many of my friends who get to see their babies and brags about them and I am truly happy that they get to be part of their children's lives. What a blessing it is!

Do we still count our blessings? This experience has made me even more aware of that that I still have. I have a life. I am healthy. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have gas in my car and have plenty left-overs in the fridge. I am thankful. I choose to be...even though...

Its my choice. And I choose to thank God that my kids are happy and healthy and that they are making a very good living for themselves!

I will rebuild my new life.

One thought at a time..

PS:  I am going to be one heck of a skype-nana!