Monday 24 October 2022

at the well

My daughter

A word in season...

It seems that you are trying to pull water from a well with what seems to be pully. It is with great difficulty, and this is the word of the Lord, I bring you the water, I am your water...

October 2022 @Earth

Tuesday 7 September 2021

I just want to move Your heart - no matter what the cost

Jesus, Jesus Precious Lord
None on the earth nor heavens above

that I have found more beautiful
You are my treasure, my great reward
and I just wanna move Your heart
It's all I wanna do, I just wanna stand in awe and pour my love on You
No matter how much the cost, I freely give it all to You,
Your love made a way, oh Jesus

Jesus, my offering, all my ambitions, my hopes, my dreams here's my life, Lord, a sacrifice just to bless You

I just wanna move Your heart, it's all I wanna do
I just wanna stand in awe and pour my love on You
No matter how much the cost, I freely give it all to You
I just wanna movе Your heart, get caught within Your gaze
Right hеre in Your presence, God is where I wanna stay
Just to dwell in Your house, waste my hours and my days on You


Is it a fragrance?
Then I'll pour my oil out

Is it a life laid down? Then here I give my vows
Is it a song I sing? Then here's every melody
Just tell me what moves You

Here's every melody, just tell me what moves You

Tell me what moves You Jesus… I just wanna move Your heart


MaverickCity

Meditate...day and night

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.

Ps.1.1

Friday 18 June 2021

Secrets

~ Secrets born in shame mute our cognisance (knowledge or awareness) of the miraculous ~

A miracles mind-set means stepping into the light.

Tuesday 8 June 2021

Million little miracles

All my Life

I’ve been carried by Grace
Don’t ask me how
Cause I can’t Explain
It’s nothing short
Of a Miracle I’m here

 

I’ve got some Blessings

That I don’t Deserve
I’ve got some Scars
But that’s how you Learn
It’s nothing short

Of a Miracle I’m here 

You Held me Steady

So I wouldn’t give Up
You Opened Doors
That Nobody could Shut
I Hope I never get Over
What you’ve done

I wanna Live with an open heart

I wanna Live
Like I Know who you are
I Hope I never get Over
What you’ve done!

~extract


#elevationworship&maverick

#restoration

#healing

#deserve

Oh how I love You Abba Father

 If I was a painter, I would use the sky as my canvas so that the whole world would see how much I love You. I would use all the colours on my palette to create even more daring shades to describe how much You mean to me. I would paint a picture that would say a thousand words and I will sign it…’with love’

If I was a comedian I would amuse You with silly jokes and quotes that will make You laugh until Your tummy hurts.

If I was a poet I would captivate You with words pleasingly displayed that would make sense of the feelings that I cannot put to words.

If I was a sculptor, I would dazzle You with a piece of art that would show You how much I appreciate everything you have ever done for me.

But I am not a painter, a poet nor a comedian. I am just me. I don’t know how 2 express my love for You in fancy ways or with colourful words.

But I know this… I love You with all my heart.

Friday 5 March 2021

The consequence of divorce

Where do I even try to explain the ripple effect divorce had on my life…and those of my children, and grandchildren?

I remember the day when I told my mom that I wanted to leave my husband. In her calm and collective way only said ‘it was not going to solve anything’.  In my young and foolish heart, the only thing I could think of was to get away from my situation. To get out.

And I did just that. Our daughter was 18 months old when I embarked on this journey; my new life.

Within a few months after my divorce, I met a man whom I thought was my soul-mate and after a very short whirl-wind-romance, got married. My whole life revolved around him. I have devoted all of me to him and our marriage. I thought we were so happy and that he was as much in love with me as I was with him. But he had his own struggles.

I remember the first time I heard of his unfaithfulness. It was so far-fetched in my mind that I chose not to believe it. It was not happening to me. I was so in love with him. But it was happening. Again and again until he eventually left me for another woman, days after the birth of our daughter. Despite it all, it took me longer than a year to let him go and sadly our marriage only lasted 5 years. 

 ”his absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its colour”

I was so young and naive. At the age of 26, I was a two-time divorcee and clearly not making good choices in life.

I was in such a bad place at the time, embarrassed and very ashamed of failing again. There was so much wrong going on - I didn't know how to be unbroken. If only I had known then what I know now. I wish I had the tools to fix me... I was love-starved, alone and craved any attention.  

At the vulnerable age of 28 I met another man who was willing to love me and would care for and my girls. 

But the consequences of all my bad decisions have taken their toll and changed the course of our lives. But I did not know any of it at the time.  

Had I known I can with absolute certainty say I would not have left my first husband!  I would have made it work, searched for better ways to do life. Those issues I thought I had seems so insignificant now. 

“Everything in life comes down to the choices you make when you rely on your emotions, your own strength and the foolish council of others...and not those of God 

I wish I had the words to portray the hardships I endured. How very difficult it was to raise 2 children under another man’s roof – who is not able to love them as his own, because they are not his own children. Who expects them to treat him as their father, but often didn't even behaved like a relative!

I wish you could tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep at night when I heard them talking about their dads and how they wished their lives were different.

It was a very difficult time of my life. Difficult is actually not the right word. Heart-breakingly seems to be a more fitting word. My new husband (who was also previously married with a daughter) wanted things his way and expected it to happen. The kids were in the middle and me, I was trying to keep the peace on all sides. There was so many sides – so many families I had to try and fit into my love triangle it just wasn’t possible to avoid conflict. Sometimes it was all there was; conflict. 

The reality of a divorce, especially when you have children is you are never free. Never. 

You carry this burden with you for the rest of your life. This ‘burden’ is the brokenness you find yourself in, the rejection, the anger, the loss, the guilt, the stigma, the dealing-with-the-other-wives, the endless sacrifices you have to make, your children’s insecurities, their shame, their dreams, the disappointment in their eyes when their father did not remember their birthday or when the stepsister got a better Christmas present… the list of this burden is truly endless. 

I remember praying and bombarding heaven so many times - in sheer desperation I needed to know how long my forever was going to be... the weight of my troubles was at times too much to carry. 

My first husband re-married and they had two children of their own. My second husband (who also had a son from his previous marriage) remarried and adopted his wife’s daughter from her previous marriage. My third husband also came from a broken family, and also divorced.

The enormous complexity of trying to have a ‘normal life’ for your daughters when they need to submit to another women's set of rules, share their father's love and attention with the other children in the house, whether it's a new baby, adopted child or a step-brother-or-sister was just overwhelming most of the time. 

How does a child get through this. How were they supposed to cope with all of this? Oh Lord, what have I done.

I never, not for one single second even entertained the thought that my daughters would call another woman ‘mom’ and would grow so fond of her that she would even love her back. Choose her side at times and buys special gifts.  I have never ever thought it would happen that my daughters would rather choose to spend Christmas with their new families because of their special traditions and happy-get-togethers. 

It broke me. Every time, over and over again. The cycle of rejection never seemed to end. In their innocence of trying to accept their new families and competing for their father's love and attention was just heart breaking.

This made me decide that despite the fact that I could not succeed in my marriages, I will do everything in my power to have a successful divorce. My children deserved this much. I would never use my children to manipulate their father(s) to get things done, have things my way or be revengeful for the apologies I never got. I was mature enough to know that this would hurt my children even more, they were the one's suffering the most already.

And in between the years, I finally met Jesus, just when I was about to give up on my 3rd marriage. 

(find my testimony here: I danced with his addiction(https://www.blogger.com/blog/posts/873893183001929827? q=i%20danced%20with%20is%20addiction.) 

Only when I began my journey with Jesus in 2003, have I learned that some of the choices I have made were directly related to some of the decisions my parents made, as well as certain things that have happened to me when I was growing up.  

But most of it is on me. No one forced me to leave my husband, or remarry. I made those decisions and it cost me dearly. 

One of the many consequences I am living with, is that i don't get to  share life with one of my daughters. I only get to witness it from a distance. Her father moved abroad many years ago and after she had left school, decided to take an extended holiday break before she takes on life as an adult.  

She never came back home. She met the love of her life, fell pregnant and stayed.

My whole world came down on me... and I fell apart. When was this cycle of rejection going to end?

They now have two little boys. My grandchildren - that I never get to hold, never get to kiss goodnight, never is there an opportunity for me to babysit or pop-in after work for a quick hug and ice-cream. 

“I am robbed of being part of my daughter's life, those of her new family & their adorable little boys. My future was stolen from me and it all seems so unfair - I rasied her, I dried her tears, I was the faithful one, the one who stayed and supported her her whole life. Oh how I have cried” 

It seems so unfair. And it surely is. But the fact is, you get to live with the consequences of the choices you have made.

You will reap what you have sown. 

I honestly wish life to be different for you.

I pray ;-

that you will make better choices in life than I did

that you will learn to lay your own life down

that you will choose to find ways to love your husband unconditionally

that you will always choose to be the peacemaker

that you will be the type of woman that stills the storm and not the one who stirs it

that you will find a way to hold your family together no matter how hard it seems

that you will find help to heal of your past, your wounds and your scars

that you will be quick to forgive and eager to love all those around you

that you will never hold onto grudges and live in the past, the price is just too high

may you find yourself wrapped up in the arms of Jesus

and may you learn to accept and love yourself

may you find Jesus. 

This is for you ~ Father, I ask that you will forgive me of my sins and my wicked ways. I surrender my life to you Lord and ask that You will take control of my life that seems to be spinning out of control. I need You Lord, teach me Your ways so I can be the daughter and person You created me to be. Help me, to want to be, a good wife, a good mother, a good worker and a good friend. Keep me from the evil one. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen

Thursday 13 August 2020

If things were simple, word would have gotten around

 

Dit is nie so maklik nie, maar…

Dit is nie so maklik soos wat jy dink nie. Of so eenvoudig nie. Gereeld hoor mens sulke uitdrukkings. Hulle wat sulke dinge sê is heeltemal reg. As dit so maklik of so eenvoudig was, dan was dit! Dan het almal dit reggekry. Tereg het die Franse filosoof Jacques Derrida gesê: “If things were simple, word would have gotten around.” Niks wat die moeite werd is kom maklik nie. ’n Goed geleefde lewe gaan daaroor dat ons moeilike dinge baasraak, ook op geloofsterrein. Van laasgenoemde gepraat - as dit maklik was om Jesus te volg, dan het almal dit gedoen. Dan het almal hulle kruise opgeneem en Hom gevolg soos wat Hy in Markus 8 vir ons sê. Tog is dit daardie klein groepie wat bereid is om hulleself te verloën en Hom al die pad te volg wat sin en betekenis in hulle lewens vind. Geloof vra ’n berg om elke dag te klim, maar ter wille van die vreugde en die vryheid wat sulke bergklimmers vind in die Here, is dit oor en oor die moeite werd. Dit is om die hemele oop te sien bokant hulle koppe. Dit is om nuwe lewe te voel bruis. 

~ deur Stephan Joubert

Friday 29 May 2020

You mind your business

Believe that God can...instead of whether it's His will

To believe that God can...is your business
Whether God want's to...that's totally His business...

You do what you can.

Thursday 21 May 2020

Fighting the good fight

Sword Painting - Your Sword In My Hand by Ilse Kleyn

This very beautiful painting of Ilse Klein reminds me of a vision I received from the Lord of my mom.
Shortly after my mom died I bombarded the Lord with questions about my mom, all I wanted to know was 'is she ok'. I knew she suffered from depression even though she tried to hide it from us and it was of utmost importance to me that she had a purpose, that she is doing 'something'. She has had such a hard life, gone through things no one could imagine, and finally died of leukemia without us even knowing it. I needed her to be happy for a change - it was all I ever wanted for her. And then one night I had a vision... I saw my mom riding on a horse - of all things, with Jesus and they were fighting off the enemies! She was focused and had a purpose! I never needed to ask God anything about her again, I had peace knowing she was in 'good hands'. What a beautiful God we serve.

You went through hell

Jesus, I finally see
The cross, the nails, You went through hell
Just to get to me
Oh Lord, King of kings
To think You wore a crown of thorns
Just to get to me

I leave it all at the cross
Here I will lay my guilt and shame
I leave it all at the cross

~ Iron Bell Music

Wednesday 1 April 2020

Fear, go away!

The Corona pandemic has created a social and broadcast media pandemic. Videos are spread and fear mongering is the order of the day. I want to remind you what our instructions are. To think of things above and not on earth. To think of things that are true, good and lovely. To fill our minds with the Truth (Jesus) and allow it to be renewed by the transforming work of the Holy Spirit and the word. We discard lies and untruths we previously believed for heavenly principles and truths.

So in this time consider everything that you look at and participate in. There is a spirit of fear, that is working hand in hand with the spirit of death and infirmity, through the work of this virus.  There is another evil friend that has hopped on fear's back and that is torment. Watch what you think, what you eat mentally, what you talk about. If you find yourself being tormented in your thoughts, go to worship, go to the word, go to any thought that is lovely, good and righteous and meditate on that rather. The principle of sowing and reaping works in our thoughts, so we must guard them now more than ever.


Scripture:
Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. Col 3:2
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Phil 4:8


Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Rom 12:2


For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Prov 23:7


Prayer:


Father I submit my thoughts to You. Forgive me for partnering with the spirit of fear and torment in any way. I take authority over fear and torment and command them to leave me now in Jesus name. I turn my focus on You and Your promises for me. I thank You that You never change. I thank you that You are my Dad and I can shelter under Your wing. I claim the mind of Christ and welcome His presence. Prince of Peace please release Your peace to me. Amen

~Sunflower Seeds~